7 Reasons Why I Won't Survive in a Zombie Apocalypse
I love anything zombie related and with The Walking Dead starting up again I’ve been wondering if I could really make it if that happens. My cousins and I constantly work on our plan of action because we consider ourselves experts in how to detect, avoid and kill zombies however we never took our flaws into consideration. So after really thinking about it I'm saddened by the fact that I won't make it for these reasons:
1. Social Media
2. Bad Vision
I have horrible vision. I don’t wear glasses because they’re trendy, I wear them because sometimes my contacts are a pain. I wear contacts half of the time but I'd never have my hands clean enough to take them out/put them in and I’d probably end up drinking the saline solution out of thirst anyway. Plus if I don't lose my glasses running and fighting off a zombie they'll be so scratched up that I won't be able to see through them. Note to self: get Lasik NOW! It can be a matter of life and death.
I have horrible vision. I don’t wear glasses because they’re trendy, I wear them because sometimes my contacts are a pain. I wear contacts half of the time but I'd never have my hands clean enough to take them out/put them in and I’d probably end up drinking the saline solution out of thirst anyway. Plus if I don't lose my glasses running and fighting off a zombie they'll be so scratched up that I won't be able to see through them. Note to self: get Lasik NOW! It can be a matter of life and death.
3. Music
I can't remember a time when I didn’t have ear buds on if I had to be alone for more than five minutes. I'm a music fanatic and have been wearing headphones wherever I went since like 1993. What will I do when I can't charge my iPhone anymore and my world goes silent? Sure, I'll be able to hear the crunching of leaves from zombies, animals or humans but I'm not all about that. If I die before my battery does music might be the death of me. I just hope my zombie death song is an awesome one. I can totally see myself forgetting all about them and why I’m randomly in the woods as I dance walk to New Order's True Faith.
I spent two months in Europe a few years ago and all I wanted was ice. Yea, I know, it's better to drink water warm, blah blah but I'm an American dammit, and I wanted ice! It’s bad enough to not have ice in my water after a couple of days, or weeks, but to then have to boil it before I drink it means it will always be warm. Always. Be. Warm. I’m disgusted just thinking about it. I'd rather die of thirst.
5. Lack of Upper Body Strength
5. Lack of Upper Body Strength
I seriously have none. None. I can walk for miles and even run for days if I have to but don't ask me to climb a fence. My research (re: obsession with zombie movies/tv shows) leads me to believe that the key to surviving the zompocolypse requires climbing fences and scaling walls. Nah kid. I can't do that.
6. Clothes
The only time I wear pants is when I’m working out and I don’t think my yoga pants will cut it. I know the apocalypse requires tough materials that won’t shred easily so a skirt may be better but I’ll end up being covered in scratches and cuts that can totally lead to an infection. That’s a lame way to die when that shit is going down. I could wear jeans if I want to avoid that but denim and I don't mix and we never will.
7. Meds
The only time I wear pants is when I’m working out and I don’t think my yoga pants will cut it. I know the apocalypse requires tough materials that won’t shred easily so a skirt may be better but I’ll end up being covered in scratches and cuts that can totally lead to an infection. That’s a lame way to die when that shit is going down. I could wear jeans if I want to avoid that but denim and I don't mix and we never will.
7. Meds
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| drugs not hugs |
I will lose my mind after a few days without Wellbutrin and Xanax. More so the Wellbutrin.Of course I can raid pharmacies but that will only get me so far and eventually I’ll be tapped out. I mean my book bag will have to be filled with bottles of pills if I'm going to survive that shit. The upside is that when I'm completely out of pills I’ll probably go into a rage infused zombie killing mode but then I’ll be sad about it afterwards and start to cry. That's not cute.
So there you have it. As much as I plan things out unless I start learning to live unmedicated, in silence, doing push ups and wearing jeans I’m not going to last long. Maybe I should work on those things. I should this week. Or the week after....
....you know I’m never going to start.
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